Saturday, December 31, 2011
30 weeks is bittersweet
30 weeks pregnant seems like a big milestone somehow. It is actually a little bittersweet, knowing this will likely be the last time I am ever pregnant. People say things like, "I'll bet you can't wait until that baby gets here!", and thats so far from the truth! Of course I look forward to Avery's arrival, but I don't want time to speed up, no matter how uncomfortable I get. I want to enjoy each and every day of this pregnancy. I am going to treasure her delivery when it happens. It already makes me sad thinking about it all being over. Sad to think about having a brand new baby only one last time. All this sad and nostalgia may have you thinking, that woman isn't done having kids! Maybe you are right, and I don't know what God holds in store for us. However, I just don't know how we will financially swing a fourth child, so I am preparing myself for life with three kiddos only, and treasuring the last weeks in a chapter in my life that feels like it is almost over.
I started writing this post this past Tuesday, when I actually hit the 30 week mark. Now its New Years Eve. Tomorrow it will be 2012, and it will be the year we welcome our baby girl Avery and my big girls will turn 3 and then 6. I know you are supposed to make New Year's resolutions, but really I just want to make a New Year's wish. I wish for time to slow down! I guess I can turn that into a resolution by saying, I pledge to enjoy every fleeting moment, both the good and the bad, because I can already see it going by in the blink of an eye!!
Monday, December 19, 2011
Traditions!
Seems like so many family traditions revolve around the holidays. I have lots of fond memories of the holidays of my childhood, and strangely, I don't have many real memories at all of the "things" I got from Santa. I vividly remember walking through the snow with my dad and brother searching for the perfect (aka hideous) cedar tree to chop down and bring home. Later in the years, my parents bought an artificial tree and my brothers went on Christmas strike because they hated it. My parents tried to keep the tree tradition alive by taking us to the same farm we cut our trees from so we could instead, hunt mistletoe. We always brought home a bunch! One year, we were all tossing rocks at this particular branch to knock down a clump and my dad said, "hold on guys, quit throwing rocks for second. I am going to walk under here and try to get it with a stick." Can you picture what happens next? My dad under the tree and my sister Melissa throws a rock anyhow, and busted my dad in the head! My goodness, if I had that on video, we could've been million $$ winners on Funniest Home Video!! We laughed like maniacs! Well, dad not so much, but we all laugh at the story to this day!! I still remember the way my dad used to hang our Christmas lights outside and how I loved the way it made our porch glow. I also remember when my cousin spilled the beans about Santa to me, and how upset I was, and how my dad comforted me by saying he would let me be his little helper elf! I will never forget helping him put out the Christmas gifts and how special it made me feel!!
I try to remember this with all the hustle and bustle of shopping and sales and toy adds. I draw on those memories when I worry about whether Santa will be able to make the kids happy this Christmas. We will never be a family whose kids get hundreds of dollars worth of things for Christmas, but mostly because I know what they need more are family memories that will last them a lifetime, not the "it" toy this year. I am actually a little sad that when the girls open their gifts this Christmas, I won't get any credit for all the hard work and thoughtfulness!! Really, why should Santa get all the credit?! That being said, I am really excited to see their faces when the open the special things they are getting this year!! I am more excited about sharing the joy of Christmas with family and making happy memories with them that they can smile or laugh about when they are older.
I say this last, not because it is least important, but so its the last thing you read! As kids, we did go to church as a family, and we did know the real reason we celebrated Christmas. I am trying very hard to impress upon Lilly and Ryley the importance of the whole season, and why we celebrate at all. Perhaps I am making a bigger impression than I think because the other day at the local library, we took the kids to hear a reading of "Llama llama, holiday drama". (A must read!!) The library worker was referring to Santa and Christmas and Lilly raised her hand and said, "We have Christmas because its Jesus's birthday!" I was so proud of her! Of course, being non-secular, the reader just said, "oh yes, some people celebrate that." Luckily, Lilly was too busy beaming at me and giving me a thumbs up, so she didn't notice the lady's tone! We have been missing out on church a lot lately because Carl and I have both been working Sundays. It makes me sad to miss church because I want the girls always to remember why it is we celebrate this wonderful holiday. Being pregnant myself, I think it makes Christmas especially poignant. I frequently think about Mary riding a donkey for miles and miles and giving birth in a barn and having nothing but rags to wrap her newborn baby in. Makes for quite a picture and it makes me especially thankful that she was willing to do that so we would all have a Saviour!! What a miracle! I think this year we may get a birthday cake and sing happy birthday to Jesus on Christmas morning. It seems like it might make a good impression, and how can you go wrong with an extra reason to have cake??
I am going to leave you with a picture of the girls that I took at the end of a cookie baking/decorating/eating session. Every single cookie Ryley iced, she asked, "can I eat this one?" Even if I had said no to the previous 8 cookies, she still asked anyway. Lilly was particularly focused and intense when decorating, carefully adding each sprinkle and chocolate chip. I honestly just sat back and watched them both decorate, loving the looks on their tiny little faces, wishing I could freeze time!!
I try to remember this with all the hustle and bustle of shopping and sales and toy adds. I draw on those memories when I worry about whether Santa will be able to make the kids happy this Christmas. We will never be a family whose kids get hundreds of dollars worth of things for Christmas, but mostly because I know what they need more are family memories that will last them a lifetime, not the "it" toy this year. I am actually a little sad that when the girls open their gifts this Christmas, I won't get any credit for all the hard work and thoughtfulness!! Really, why should Santa get all the credit?! That being said, I am really excited to see their faces when the open the special things they are getting this year!! I am more excited about sharing the joy of Christmas with family and making happy memories with them that they can smile or laugh about when they are older.
I say this last, not because it is least important, but so its the last thing you read! As kids, we did go to church as a family, and we did know the real reason we celebrated Christmas. I am trying very hard to impress upon Lilly and Ryley the importance of the whole season, and why we celebrate at all. Perhaps I am making a bigger impression than I think because the other day at the local library, we took the kids to hear a reading of "Llama llama, holiday drama". (A must read!!) The library worker was referring to Santa and Christmas and Lilly raised her hand and said, "We have Christmas because its Jesus's birthday!" I was so proud of her! Of course, being non-secular, the reader just said, "oh yes, some people celebrate that." Luckily, Lilly was too busy beaming at me and giving me a thumbs up, so she didn't notice the lady's tone! We have been missing out on church a lot lately because Carl and I have both been working Sundays. It makes me sad to miss church because I want the girls always to remember why it is we celebrate this wonderful holiday. Being pregnant myself, I think it makes Christmas especially poignant. I frequently think about Mary riding a donkey for miles and miles and giving birth in a barn and having nothing but rags to wrap her newborn baby in. Makes for quite a picture and it makes me especially thankful that she was willing to do that so we would all have a Saviour!! What a miracle! I think this year we may get a birthday cake and sing happy birthday to Jesus on Christmas morning. It seems like it might make a good impression, and how can you go wrong with an extra reason to have cake??
I am going to leave you with a picture of the girls that I took at the end of a cookie baking/decorating/eating session. Every single cookie Ryley iced, she asked, "can I eat this one?" Even if I had said no to the previous 8 cookies, she still asked anyway. Lilly was particularly focused and intense when decorating, carefully adding each sprinkle and chocolate chip. I honestly just sat back and watched them both decorate, loving the looks on their tiny little faces, wishing I could freeze time!!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
A Lifetime of Thankfulness
I didn't take part in the whole "30 days of thankfulness" that seemed to sweep through my Facebook feed this month. This was not because I don't have 1,000,000+1 things to be thankful for, its just that I am a slacker when it comes to keeping up with such things. It also seems to me, its important to be thankful for all my blessings year-round, not just during the month of November. That being said, I thought I would jot a few things down that I have to be thankful for this year.
A roof over my head and a working heater to keep us warm. A husband that works hard to pay for said home and heater, amongst other things. For his friendship, partnership and love. Beautiful, healthy, intelligent daughters who brighten my life. Wonderful friends and an even better family. A new church family where we feel like we belong and are slowly learning and growing our faith! A love and appreciation for all the simple things in life. A 26 week old baby girl growing in my womb. A loyal boxer and onery kitten that round out our lives. And more important than all of those things, I am thankful for the One who loves me enough to let me have all these things, who loves me despites all my faults and short comings. Jesus Christ, whom I am still learning to lean on more and who makes all these things possible!
A roof over my head and a working heater to keep us warm. A husband that works hard to pay for said home and heater, amongst other things. For his friendship, partnership and love. Beautiful, healthy, intelligent daughters who brighten my life. Wonderful friends and an even better family. A new church family where we feel like we belong and are slowly learning and growing our faith! A love and appreciation for all the simple things in life. A 26 week old baby girl growing in my womb. A loyal boxer and onery kitten that round out our lives. And more important than all of those things, I am thankful for the One who loves me enough to let me have all these things, who loves me despites all my faults and short comings. Jesus Christ, whom I am still learning to lean on more and who makes all these things possible!
Monday, November 7, 2011
The side effects of Pregnancy
The other night, I had the T.V. on E! News, which I don't make a habit of watching. Now I remember why. I feel like a whale and I HATE seeing fabulous, stylish, trendy women when I feel this way! I would prefer to assume the whole rest of the world feels the same as me! Here comes more hatred: someone was interviewing a black leather mini-skirt clad Hilary Duff. Who is apparently 20 weeks or so pregnant with her first child. She was going on and on about how fabulous she felt and how she hadn't been sick at all, hadn't gained ANY weight, yadayadayada! I promise you this, if my husband didn't love our T.V. almost as much as he loves me, I might have thrown the remote right through it!! Obviously, this is mostly pregnancy hormones, but seriously?! Either she is lying, or I have done something to piss of the pregnancy gods!! Don't get me wrong, I do love being pregnant and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but it got me to thinking. So I started to make a list. All the changes I have experienced while being pregnant. Here's what I HAD heard about being pregnant before actually experiencing it. You hear about the "morning" sickness, which must have been named by someone who never actually experienced puking morning, noon and night. Oh yeah, don't forget the supposed "cravings" or stretch marks. These were things I had previously associated with pregnancy. Now that I am halfway done with my third pregnancy, and once I started to jot down pregnancy symptoms and side effects, I couldn't write fast enough!!
First, there was exhaustion. Tired doesn't even being to describe this feeling. Third time around, I sort of felt like I was in a drug induced fog for a little while. Perhaps it was trying to keep up with two kids, who knows. Then the sometimes predictable, sometimes fickle, nausea. This goes hand in hand with the intense smell aversion. ANYTHING that smelled strongly, and not necessarily bad, was disgusting. Things that were previously pleasant smelling, now, not so much. Food aversions, too. Something I used to love, now sounded disgusting. Weird dreams, anxiety, swollen hands, feet, legs. Clothes that don't fit, and not just in the tummy. Not everyone is blessed with a cute little beach ball belly! Some of us get big butts, double chins, swollen boobs, etc. Sore nipples doesn't even being to describe the changes in that area! Stretch marks? Not just on your tummy sometimes! Full lucsious hair? Maybe, but also, extra hair growth everywhere! Don't even get me started on the "glowing skin" assumption! Does "glowing" mean acne like a teenager for the first 14 weeks or so, and now roseacea-like irritated skin that's dry and itchy later on? Oh, the itchy skin!! Weepy, hormonal and emotional. Vision changes. Let's not forget what is dubbed as "pregnancy brain". A once educated-sounding female now sounds a bit like the guy you knew in college who smoked too much pot: unable to recall any information or thoughts that were just in her head!! And lets not even get started with the pain. "Round ligament pain" that happens when it stretches as the uterus grows. Achy feet. Achy back. Leg cramps. Braxton Hicks. Pelvic pain. In the last few weeks of my first pregnancy, it started to feel like my pelvic bone was breaking into two pieces. When I described this pain to my doctor, she just said, "well, that's sort of what's happening!" Your pubic symphysis, which connects the two halves of your pelvis, is literally stretching wide open, getting ready for labor. And then the ultimate pain. Labor! It is called this for a reason people!
After re-reading what I have written, I must sound like a horrible, miserable, ungrateful person. I know plenty of ladies who either had it easier, worse, or would just feel incredibly blessed to experience the joy of pregnancy. This is not meant to sound selfish or thankless. I feel so blessed by God to get to experience the miracle of carrying a child. All the negatives are momentously worth it. It sort of makes you feel like super-woman! Growing a living thing inside you is so cool sometimes, even if it is HARD WORK! Pregnancy is an awesome experience, despite the good, the bad and the ugly!
Warning: if you are one of the lucky ones like Hilary Duff, please refrain from commenting on how fabulous and perfect you felt the whole nine months. Thank you.
First, there was exhaustion. Tired doesn't even being to describe this feeling. Third time around, I sort of felt like I was in a drug induced fog for a little while. Perhaps it was trying to keep up with two kids, who knows. Then the sometimes predictable, sometimes fickle, nausea. This goes hand in hand with the intense smell aversion. ANYTHING that smelled strongly, and not necessarily bad, was disgusting. Things that were previously pleasant smelling, now, not so much. Food aversions, too. Something I used to love, now sounded disgusting. Weird dreams, anxiety, swollen hands, feet, legs. Clothes that don't fit, and not just in the tummy. Not everyone is blessed with a cute little beach ball belly! Some of us get big butts, double chins, swollen boobs, etc. Sore nipples doesn't even being to describe the changes in that area! Stretch marks? Not just on your tummy sometimes! Full lucsious hair? Maybe, but also, extra hair growth everywhere! Don't even get me started on the "glowing skin" assumption! Does "glowing" mean acne like a teenager for the first 14 weeks or so, and now roseacea-like irritated skin that's dry and itchy later on? Oh, the itchy skin!! Weepy, hormonal and emotional. Vision changes. Let's not forget what is dubbed as "pregnancy brain". A once educated-sounding female now sounds a bit like the guy you knew in college who smoked too much pot: unable to recall any information or thoughts that were just in her head!! And lets not even get started with the pain. "Round ligament pain" that happens when it stretches as the uterus grows. Achy feet. Achy back. Leg cramps. Braxton Hicks. Pelvic pain. In the last few weeks of my first pregnancy, it started to feel like my pelvic bone was breaking into two pieces. When I described this pain to my doctor, she just said, "well, that's sort of what's happening!" Your pubic symphysis, which connects the two halves of your pelvis, is literally stretching wide open, getting ready for labor. And then the ultimate pain. Labor! It is called this for a reason people!
After re-reading what I have written, I must sound like a horrible, miserable, ungrateful person. I know plenty of ladies who either had it easier, worse, or would just feel incredibly blessed to experience the joy of pregnancy. This is not meant to sound selfish or thankless. I feel so blessed by God to get to experience the miracle of carrying a child. All the negatives are momentously worth it. It sort of makes you feel like super-woman! Growing a living thing inside you is so cool sometimes, even if it is HARD WORK! Pregnancy is an awesome experience, despite the good, the bad and the ugly!
Warning: if you are one of the lucky ones like Hilary Duff, please refrain from commenting on how fabulous and perfect you felt the whole nine months. Thank you.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Wholly Outnumbered!
It has taken me a few days to get it together and post about our big ultrasound!! Three days ago, we went for our Level II 20 week ultrasound in Lexington. I was 20 weeks exactly. I hardly slept the night before, though only partially because I was anxious about the upcoming ultrasound. Carl and I took the girls with us, and they were (mostly) very well behaved and very curious about what was going on! The technician was amazing and explained everything she was measuring and taking pictures of. She'd say, "there's the baby's hand, or head, or kidneys, etc, etc." Thankfully, the tech was able to get great pictures of the baby's heart and it looked completely normal! My husband has a sister who died as a newborn from complications of a congenital heart defect. Because it is hereditary, and despite the fact that Carl is healthy, he could still potentially pass on this defect to our children! Since I have a decent medical background, I had huge tears rolling down my face as the technician scanned and measured the baby's heart. I could see all four chambers and all four valves working away! I could see the blood flow coloring going in all the appropriate places! It was truly a relief! The baby measured right on schedule, not effecting the due date at all! The last pictures the technician printed for us were between the baby's legs. She said, "I'll bet mom and dad know what those three white lines mean! Its a girl!"
Here is a picture of her profile! It reminds me of
what Lilly's looked like when I was pregnant with her!
I have to be honest here, and I know this sort of opinion is usually scoffed at. I was really hoping this baby was a boy. I actually don't mind the idea of having three daughters, in fact, I am really looking forward to it! Its just that we are pretty much done having children and it was very sad for me to think that I will never have a son. I felt guilty for feeling disappointed in any way, because she was beautiful, healthy and perfect! But emotions are emotions, and to say I was thrilled Tuesday afternoon wouldn't be honest. I am just sad I may never have a mommy's little boy. It wasn't an easy afternoon for me, but a few days and a little perspective really helps. Also, buying her an adorable girly newborn cloth diaper really helped me bond more with the idea of having baby girl #3!! My husband was outnumbered before, but now, wholly outnumbered! Tonight, he was leaving to go camping with my brothers for a bachelor celebration, and my girls were both begging him to stay home and giving him teary puppy dog eyes. They both adore him, and he said, "how could you not want three of these little adoring fans?" He makes my heart melt! He is, however, already planning his basement room next door to the existing man cave so he can retreat when the girls are teens and its "that time of the month"! Also, there has been much discussion between Lilly and Ryley about whether the baby will have brown eyes or blue! This is the tie breaker we are all going to be looking forward to!
After a few days of discussion, we've settled on a name. Circumstances caused us to change our girl name choice earlier in the pregnancy. Despite that, she was easier to name than Ryley was. We started calling the baby this sooner than we were ready to say, this is definitely her name! I wish I was a "surprise" kind of girl, and we could keep the name to ourselves until she was born, but I just can't do it! Tiny and perfect, Avery Pearl will join our family sometime in February or March, and I am really looking forward to meeting her!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Lilly turns five!
A little trip down memory lane to celebrate my Lilly girl's fifth birthday!
Lillian Elaine born 10-10-06, 7 pounds,
2 ounces, 19 inches at 9:56 pm!
2 ounces, 19 inches at 9:56 pm!
First birthday!
Second birthday!
Third birthday! (Celebrating at the beach!)
Fourth birthday! (10-10-10 first weekend in our new house!)
Fifth birthday!
It is a little sad to scroll through and really see how much she has grown and changed! She has been such a joy in our lives and is so smart and fun to be around! She asked today since she was 5 now, could she go to Kindergarden now? Thankfully, I can still wait on that one! Happy Birthday Lilly girl! Mom loves you!!
Friday, September 16, 2011
Changing my mind...
I figure, as a pregnant women, you have a built in right to be fickle. To change your mind whenever you want. To love Mexican food one day, and just the thought of it the next day makes you want to vomit. I think for all the work and strain growing a baby can cause, the right to change your mind should be a given!
Also, when you consider all the plans and decisions that a baby brings into the picture, it makes "making up your mind" a very difficult task sometimes. I don't typically find myself to be a wishy-washy person. There are just a few things I am finding it hard to decide about, and others decisions that I don't have as much control over. Or that I will have to wait much longer to decide what is right. I HATE being in limbo! I like making a plan! I don't mind adapting or changing a plan, and I find myself pretty flexible when it comes to these things.
Seems like the rantings of a hormonal preggo lady? Guess you are right. Its just a few things have been weighing on my mind and there is just no answer in sight. The biggest decision (or choice) I am facing is about the delivery of the baby. When I was pregnant the first time, I only just worried about what delivery would be like, but not really how different my expectations would be from reality.
A bit of a background of my baby deliveries: at 38 weeks 1 day with Lilly, I started "leaking" fluid in the afternoon. By the next morning, still leaking but not in labor I went to the hospital. I was strep B positive, so they induced labor with pitocin. I started off barely a fingertip dilated. After 8 hours I was only 2 cm and the pitocin was awful! They just kept bumping it up and up and up and it was excruciating, and to top it off, not doing anything!! 8 hours after that, I got an epidural, I was only 4 cm, exhausted and ready to give up. They let me labor a while longer, which didn't change my cervix, and because I had ruptured so long ago, they thought it best to deliver by c-section. I gave in and in less than an hour, we had Lilly! The recovery was painful, but I didn't know any different. I think I had a touch of post partum depression, which makes for not-so-good memories of those first few days and weeks. You know what they say, "if I knew then what I know now......"
With Ryley, I was determined to have a VBAC, a vaginal birth after cesarean. It is quite common, very safe, and recommend by the American Academy of Obstetrics and Gynecology (AACOG) as the first choice for delivery of moms who are a "good candidate". I qualified as a good candidate and did not want a repeat c-section!! When I went into labor on my own at home at 38 weeks exactly, I was thrilled! No pitocin for me! (Besides, most docs won't induce a VBAC, it increases risk for uterine rupture) I labored at home, then at work and then at home again for 12 hours. It started slow and small, like it should and steadily got harder, longer and closer together. When the contractions were only about 5 minutes apart, Carl took me to the hospital! I was so stoked! I was doing it! I was gonna finally have what I wanted, a vaginal birth! HAHA, NOT! says Ryley! After I was settled in at the hospital, my water had broken by this time, the nurse doing the first internal exam says, "hmmmm. I don't think that's a head down there." EXCUSE ME?! What do you mean not a head?! In fact, when Dr. Horn came in with ultrasound, he confirmed her suspicions that Ryley was breech, her head up in my ribs! Since I had had a prior c-section, I was not a candidate for a version, which is an attempt to manually turn the baby from the outside. So, I was prepped for and wheeled into surgery, and at 3:56 am my stubborn Ryley girl was born butt first! I have to be honest here. I had a spinal block and not an epidural this time, and after surgery I could feel my legs really quickly. The recovery from the second c-section was a breeze, even if I know it was more painful than the average vaginal birth. I relished in my new baby daughter but a part of me was (is still) really frustrated! I know it was not any one's "fault" but I still feel kind of cheated!
Every woman's body is built to have babies. One hundred years ago, there weren't these extreme medical interventions. I appreciate what medicine and technology brings to the table as far as safety, the health of the baby and my own health are concerned but I feel left out of what could be such a normal, natural thing. Even though the AACOG still recommends VBAC as a safe alternative to elective c-sections, even after two surgeries, it is next to impossible to find a doctor that thinks a VBA2C (vag birth after two cesareans) is a good idea. Indeed, risk for mom and baby does increase with each c-section performed. But the risk of elective major abdominal surgery looms large too! The risks for both are very real, and very different. When meeting with my doctors, even early on, not one of them thinks a VBA2C is a good idea. They all recommend elective c-sections at 39 weeks. It also seems like they want to try to scare you with the risks that trying for a vaginal birth brings, but no one wants to talk about the risks for major abdominal surgery. I definitely do not want to labor again, be disappointed again, and end up with a c-section again. In that aspect, it might be nice just to schedule it and not have to ever labor. But a HUGE part of me wants the whole natural experience. Doing it the way nature intended. Dr. Hess says she will support me as long as they are convinced baby is small (how are they gonna know that?!) and that I don't get too close to my due date. At which time, she will insist I schedule a c-section. There is ONE doctor in all of Kentucky that will work with, and recommends VBA2Cs. He is one hour away, and does not take my insurance, so that is out of the question.
As I re-read this, I realize that it has turned into quite a long rant. I didn't mean for it to turn out quite so long to read, and thanks to anyone who made it all the way to the end of my frustrating story. So, despite it all, I am left to wait and see. Wait and see if baby is "big or small"? will I go into labor naturally? early enough? Can my body do it? but what about, can it do it in a way that allows the docs to let me have my way? We all just want whats best for baby, but its not going to be easy to stand up to a doctor who also claims to have baby's best interest in mind. But they are licensed professionals. I am just a mom. What do I know???
Also, when you consider all the plans and decisions that a baby brings into the picture, it makes "making up your mind" a very difficult task sometimes. I don't typically find myself to be a wishy-washy person. There are just a few things I am finding it hard to decide about, and others decisions that I don't have as much control over. Or that I will have to wait much longer to decide what is right. I HATE being in limbo! I like making a plan! I don't mind adapting or changing a plan, and I find myself pretty flexible when it comes to these things.
Seems like the rantings of a hormonal preggo lady? Guess you are right. Its just a few things have been weighing on my mind and there is just no answer in sight. The biggest decision (or choice) I am facing is about the delivery of the baby. When I was pregnant the first time, I only just worried about what delivery would be like, but not really how different my expectations would be from reality.
A bit of a background of my baby deliveries: at 38 weeks 1 day with Lilly, I started "leaking" fluid in the afternoon. By the next morning, still leaking but not in labor I went to the hospital. I was strep B positive, so they induced labor with pitocin. I started off barely a fingertip dilated. After 8 hours I was only 2 cm and the pitocin was awful! They just kept bumping it up and up and up and it was excruciating, and to top it off, not doing anything!! 8 hours after that, I got an epidural, I was only 4 cm, exhausted and ready to give up. They let me labor a while longer, which didn't change my cervix, and because I had ruptured so long ago, they thought it best to deliver by c-section. I gave in and in less than an hour, we had Lilly! The recovery was painful, but I didn't know any different. I think I had a touch of post partum depression, which makes for not-so-good memories of those first few days and weeks. You know what they say, "if I knew then what I know now......"
With Ryley, I was determined to have a VBAC, a vaginal birth after cesarean. It is quite common, very safe, and recommend by the American Academy of Obstetrics and Gynecology (AACOG) as the first choice for delivery of moms who are a "good candidate". I qualified as a good candidate and did not want a repeat c-section!! When I went into labor on my own at home at 38 weeks exactly, I was thrilled! No pitocin for me! (Besides, most docs won't induce a VBAC, it increases risk for uterine rupture) I labored at home, then at work and then at home again for 12 hours. It started slow and small, like it should and steadily got harder, longer and closer together. When the contractions were only about 5 minutes apart, Carl took me to the hospital! I was so stoked! I was doing it! I was gonna finally have what I wanted, a vaginal birth! HAHA, NOT! says Ryley! After I was settled in at the hospital, my water had broken by this time, the nurse doing the first internal exam says, "hmmmm. I don't think that's a head down there." EXCUSE ME?! What do you mean not a head?! In fact, when Dr. Horn came in with ultrasound, he confirmed her suspicions that Ryley was breech, her head up in my ribs! Since I had had a prior c-section, I was not a candidate for a version, which is an attempt to manually turn the baby from the outside. So, I was prepped for and wheeled into surgery, and at 3:56 am my stubborn Ryley girl was born butt first! I have to be honest here. I had a spinal block and not an epidural this time, and after surgery I could feel my legs really quickly. The recovery from the second c-section was a breeze, even if I know it was more painful than the average vaginal birth. I relished in my new baby daughter but a part of me was (is still) really frustrated! I know it was not any one's "fault" but I still feel kind of cheated!
Every woman's body is built to have babies. One hundred years ago, there weren't these extreme medical interventions. I appreciate what medicine and technology brings to the table as far as safety, the health of the baby and my own health are concerned but I feel left out of what could be such a normal, natural thing. Even though the AACOG still recommends VBAC as a safe alternative to elective c-sections, even after two surgeries, it is next to impossible to find a doctor that thinks a VBA2C (vag birth after two cesareans) is a good idea. Indeed, risk for mom and baby does increase with each c-section performed. But the risk of elective major abdominal surgery looms large too! The risks for both are very real, and very different. When meeting with my doctors, even early on, not one of them thinks a VBA2C is a good idea. They all recommend elective c-sections at 39 weeks. It also seems like they want to try to scare you with the risks that trying for a vaginal birth brings, but no one wants to talk about the risks for major abdominal surgery. I definitely do not want to labor again, be disappointed again, and end up with a c-section again. In that aspect, it might be nice just to schedule it and not have to ever labor. But a HUGE part of me wants the whole natural experience. Doing it the way nature intended. Dr. Hess says she will support me as long as they are convinced baby is small (how are they gonna know that?!) and that I don't get too close to my due date. At which time, she will insist I schedule a c-section. There is ONE doctor in all of Kentucky that will work with, and recommends VBA2Cs. He is one hour away, and does not take my insurance, so that is out of the question.
As I re-read this, I realize that it has turned into quite a long rant. I didn't mean for it to turn out quite so long to read, and thanks to anyone who made it all the way to the end of my frustrating story. So, despite it all, I am left to wait and see. Wait and see if baby is "big or small"? will I go into labor naturally? early enough? Can my body do it? but what about, can it do it in a way that allows the docs to let me have my way? We all just want whats best for baby, but its not going to be easy to stand up to a doctor who also claims to have baby's best interest in mind. But they are licensed professionals. I am just a mom. What do I know???
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