One Year Ago....

  Exactly one year ago today, the reality that our whole world was about to change was barely sinking in.  One year ago came the test that read, "pregnant".  June 28, 2011 was the day we knew our family was going to grow by two more feet.  Our Avery was coming, though we didn't know "it" was a she yet.  Somedays, I feel like that was lightyears ago, and other days it feels like the past year has flown by.  I can't believe a year ago we were trying to wrap our heads around the idea of having three little ones, and now we have been living it for four months.  Its still amazing how little Avery has changed our family for the better.  She is such a sweet natured soul, quick to smile and so easy going.  I can't imagine our lives without her.  Though I can't say I look forward to the teenage years in any way, I do look forward to watching my girls grow and change.  I look forward to watching them develop as sisters.  I know how close my own sister and I are, I can only imagine how impossibly close they will all three be in the years to come.  It warms my heart, and I am glad they will always have each other. 

Breastfeeding highs and lows....

  What a roller coaster these past two weeks have been.  Mothering three has been harder and more joyful than I could have imagined.  Its funny how hard it is to accept the things God has put in my path.  I wanted so badly to have a son, but God saw fit to give me another daughter, and now I can't fathom any other baby in her place.  She has this beautiful disposition with dark eyes so expressive sometimes I feel like I can see her tiny baby soul.  So far, she seems to have a very laid back spirit and I love how the chaos of our lives doesn't seem to bother her in the slightest.  Carl and I joke she seems more restless at night, not because she has her days and nights confused, but because its too quiet in the house and she can't sleep!!  I also wanted so badly a natural birth, and of course you know, I didn't get that either.  I am healing pretty well from surgery, so its easier not to be disgruntled about the loss of that dream.  Perhaps my biggest wish, was to be successful at breastfeeding #3.  I struggled with both the other girls and I gave up very early on.  I was determined to make this breastfeeding thing work.

  At 5 days old, we had our first check-up and the doctor noted she had lost weight (which is expected) but not too much.  We met with a lactation consultant, who really boosted my confidence as she watched us nurse.  She praised Avery's latch and at the time she ate very eagerly.  The next two days started a downhill slide that I didn't really see happening.  I was worried because Avery wasn't really having as many wet or dirty diapers as I thought she should.  When she did have a wet diaper I was even more concerned because I could tell the urine was way more concentrated than it should be.  I continued to nurse on demand and she latched and ate well, though she tired easily and I had to try to wake her a lot.  We spent a large part of those two days skin to skin, hoping her nakedness would encourage her to eat!  Seems she is a typical Breidert with a good body temperature and enjoyed her nakedness!  Two days later, we saw a different doc who was immediately discouraged.  She checked Avery's diaper and said bad news.  "That is "day 2" baby poop, and she should be having "day 7" baby poop"-basically she was getting dehydrated and not taking in enough fluids.  She watched us nurse in office, watched us struggle to wake her.  She gave us tips on waking her, supplementing her, etc and sent us home with the plan to force her to nurse every two hours round the clock and when finished nursing Dad should give her supplemented formula  (1-3 ounces) and I should pump at the same time to help establish my milk supply.  She said I was dangerously close to "drying up", unbeknownst to me.  So we did this.  The next 12 hours were horrible.  Her dehydration had gotten so bad, not only could I not rouse her to nurse, we could barely rouse her to take a bottle.  We had her naked, with a wet cold wash cloth and still it was hard to get her to take in more than a swallow or two.  Still no pee or poop, and we nearly took her to the hospital.  Carl and I diligently spent the next day setting alarms and force feeding Avery, and eventually she perked up and filled up some diapers for us.  It was pretty scary, and made worse by my misplaced feelings of failure.  I continued to pump, getting out a whopping 5 ml total every two hours.  I know babies are more efficient at removing milk than a pump, but a teaspoon just seemed so disheartening! 

  Fast forward to this past Monday.  I was sent a link to an article by a friend suggesting a link between women with PCOS and a low milk supply. 

http://www.breastfeeding.com/reading_room/pcos.html

http://www.mobimotherhood.org/MM/article-pcos.aspx

  Thanks for reading if you made it this far into my very long vent.  Its just been weighing so hard on my mind and spirit, it feels good to get it all out.  Also, I know PCOS effects up to 15% of the population, and I know sometimes a third of those moms have issues with low milk supply.  I wish I'd known that when I was struggling to breastfeed Lilly five years ago.  I hope the information is helpful to anyone else who could be effected. 

A horrible week!

What a week it has been!  This past weekend we celebrated Ryley's birthday (a week early) with a small family party Saturday evening, and she had so much fun!  We were slated to take her swimming with her buddies Sunday afternoon, but Saturday night, I started into a stomach bug that left me very depleted!  Lilly started getting sick Sunday morning, so Daddy stayed home with the sickos and Aunt Lissa saved the day and took Ryley swimming anyways!  I missed work Monday, then MOPS and an appointment on Tuesday, and I thought for sure I would be getting back to normal!  But no!  Still sick all night Tuesday night and into Wednesday, still miserable!  So no work for me Wednesday, so next week I am going to have a blank paycheck! :(  Bummer!  Thursday I was starting to feel more human, and was able to make it to my doctors appointment.  I saw a student midwife first who said she thought the baby was still head down and that my cervix was dilated 1cm and 50% effaced.  However, she found baby's heart rate very high in my abdomen, which usually only means one thing.  Yup.  That's right.  She's breech again.  The regular midwife came in afterwards with a hand held ultrasound and confirmed the news.  How can this be my luck?!  I prayed so hard for her to turn so I could have a chance at a vaginal birth, and after all the elation from last week, I felt so down and upset.  I know she still has time to turn (again) but I am just so frustrated.  I am feeling pressured from the doctors office to go on and schedule a c-section for March 1st, and I guess I just have to hope and pray that Avery decides to turn again AND that I go into labor pretty much on my own before then so I don't have to fight them over it!  Before, I was hoping and praying for labor to start any minute, now I am afraid to wish for it, because if she is still breech, I am going to end up in surgery anyhow.  I am going to keep going to the chiropractor and keep doing the stretches and exercises that helped her turn the first time.  I am just really having trouble staying positive, and I can't seem to get this sense of dread I have developed about the whole situation.  My resolve is crumbling, and I don't know what else to do except pray. 

An update!

Likely, you are tired of hearing all about baby Avery.  When you aren't expecting a baby, it kind of gets old when someone is constantly posting or talking about it.  However, we have so many friends and family "rooting" for us and praying for us, I just wanted to share with you an update after my appointment today.  We waited forever for the ultrasound today, but turns out, the wait was well worth it!  Miraculously, today Avery was vertex and posterior, meaning she was not breech, head down and facing my back!  The perfect position for labor!!  I was super thrilled!  The tech actually apologized about not being able to get good pictures of her face.  I told her I thought it was a trade-off I'd make any day, you can't see her face because she's engaged where she needs to be!  Two nights ago, the baby was making some pretty big movements but nothing that had me convinced she had flipped.  She measured 6 pounds, 7 ounces today, and with the 37 week mark fast approaching, its so nice to be able to think about her being healthy and full term now!  Its so wonderful to be able to start pushing the worry of a preemie baby out of your head and focus on safe delivery.  In fact, the day before my water broke with Lilly, Carl took me on a four wheeler ride.  Sounds like pretty brutal way to help labor along, and it was mighty uncomfortable!  However, my water broke the next day and Lilly was born the day after that!  So today, when we left the doctors office, Carl says, "sounds like it's time to head out the farm for a ride on the gator."  I've said for so long, I want this pregnancy to last "forever" just to enjoy my last moments of this stage of my life.  But now, I am finally getting uncomfortable enough to say, its time to start trying to move things along!  Its so exciting to think about meeting her in just a few short weeks!!  And for anyone who maybe curious, myself included, she is still a she! :)  No surprise boy parts the tech assures me!!

Time crunch!

  Yesterday, I realized that today would be January 18th.  In one month, my little Ryley is going to turn three!  This is unbelievable by itself, but then I realized that Ryley was due on almost exactly the same day baby Avery is.  Know what that means?  She could be born in one month from today?!  Or earlier, or later, depending, but it really freaked me out a little!  Its not as if we haven't been preparing for her arrival, and its not like a surprise or something, it just really hit home how close it is getting!  Both girls were born at or right around 38 weeks, so I wonder what the odds are that Avery will be born around then too?  Or will she keep me waiting for another two weeks?  I am getting excited and a little nervous!  Its still hard to believe I am going to be mommy to three little princesses in such a short period of time!  I also can't believe my "baby" isn't really a baby anymore and is going to be three years old.  I just don't like how fast its all going by!

30 weeks is bittersweet

  30 weeks pregnant seems like a big milestone somehow.  It is actually a little bittersweet, knowing this will likely be the last time I am ever pregnant.  People say things like, "I'll bet you can't wait until that baby gets here!", and thats so far from the truth!  Of course I look forward to Avery's arrival, but I don't want time to speed up, no matter how uncomfortable I get.  I want to enjoy each and every day of this pregnancy.  I am going to treasure her delivery when it happens.  It already makes me sad thinking about it all being over.  Sad to think about having a brand new baby only one last time.  All this sad and nostalgia may have you thinking, that woman isn't done having kids!  Maybe you are right, and I don't know what God holds in store for us.  However, I just don't know how we will financially swing a fourth child, so I am preparing myself for life with three kiddos only, and treasuring the last weeks in a chapter in my life that feels like it is almost over.

  I started writing this post this past Tuesday, when I actually hit the 30 week mark.  Now its New Years Eve.  Tomorrow it will be 2012, and it will be the year we welcome our baby girl Avery and my big girls will turn 3 and then 6.  I know you are supposed to make New Year's resolutions, but really I just want to make a New Year's wish.  I wish for time to slow down!  I guess I can turn that into a resolution by saying, I pledge to enjoy every fleeting moment, both the good and the bad, because I can already see it going by in the blink of an eye!!

Traditions!

     Seems like so many family traditions revolve around the holidays.  I have lots of fond memories of the holidays of my childhood, and strangely, I don't have many real memories at all of the "things" I got from Santa.  I vividly remember walking through the snow with my dad and brother searching for the perfect (aka hideous) cedar tree to chop down and bring home.  Later in the years, my parents bought an artificial tree and my brothers went on Christmas strike because they hated it.  My parents tried to keep the tree tradition alive by taking us to the same farm we cut our trees from so we could instead, hunt mistletoe.  We always brought home a bunch!  One year, we were all tossing rocks at this particular branch to knock down a clump and my dad said, "hold on guys, quit throwing rocks for second.  I am going to walk under here and try to get it with a stick."  Can you picture what happens next?  My dad under the tree and my sister Melissa throws a rock anyhow, and busted my dad in the head!  My goodness, if I had that on video, we could've been million $$ winners on Funniest Home Video!!  We laughed like maniacs!  Well, dad not so much, but we all laugh at the story to this day!!  I still remember the way my dad used to hang our Christmas lights outside and how I loved the way it made our porch glow.  I also remember when my cousin spilled the beans about Santa to me, and how upset I was, and how my dad comforted me by saying he would let me be his little helper elf!  I will never forget helping him put out the Christmas gifts and how special it made me feel!! 
     I try to remember this with all the hustle and bustle of shopping and sales and toy adds.  I draw on those memories when I worry about whether Santa will be able to make the kids happy this Christmas.  We will never be a family whose kids get hundreds of dollars worth of things for Christmas, but mostly because I know what they need more are family memories that will last them a lifetime, not the "it" toy this year.  I am actually a little sad that when the girls open their gifts this Christmas, I won't get any credit for all the hard work and thoughtfulness!!  Really, why should Santa get all the credit?!  That being said, I am really excited to see their faces when the open the special things they are getting this year!!  I am more excited about sharing the joy of Christmas with family and making happy memories with them that they can smile or laugh about when they are older.
     I say this last, not because it is least important, but so its the last thing you read!  As kids, we did go to church as a family, and we did know the real reason we celebrated Christmas.  I am trying very hard to impress upon Lilly and Ryley the importance of the whole season, and why we celebrate at all.  Perhaps I am making a bigger impression than I think because the other day at the local library, we took the kids to hear a reading of "Llama llama, holiday drama".  (A must read!!)  The library worker was referring to Santa and Christmas and Lilly raised her hand and said, "We have Christmas because its Jesus's birthday!"  I was so proud of her!  Of course, being non-secular, the reader just said, "oh yes, some people celebrate that."  Luckily, Lilly was too busy beaming at me and giving me a thumbs up, so she didn't notice the lady's tone!  We have been missing out on church a lot lately because Carl and I have both been working Sundays.  It makes me sad to miss church because I want the girls always to remember why it is we celebrate this wonderful holiday.  Being pregnant myself, I think it makes Christmas especially poignant.  I frequently think about Mary riding a donkey for miles and miles and giving birth in a barn and having nothing but rags to wrap her newborn baby in.  Makes for quite a picture and it makes me especially thankful that she was willing to do that so we would all have a Saviour!!  What a miracle!  I think this year we may get a birthday cake and sing happy birthday to Jesus on Christmas morning.  It seems like it might make a good impression, and how can you go wrong with an extra reason to have cake??
    I am going to leave you with a picture of the girls that I took at the end of a cookie baking/decorating/eating session.  Every single cookie Ryley iced, she asked, "can I eat this one?"  Even if I had said no to the previous 8 cookies, she still asked anyway.  Lilly was particularly focused and intense when decorating, carefully adding each sprinkle and chocolate chip.  I honestly just sat back and watched them both decorate, loving the looks on their tiny little faces, wishing I could freeze time!! 

The side effects of Pregnancy

The other night, I had the T.V. on E! News, which I don't make a habit of watching.  Now I remember why.  I feel like a whale and I HATE seeing fabulous, stylish, trendy women when I feel this way!  I would prefer to assume the whole rest of the world feels the same as me!  Here comes more hatred:  someone was interviewing a black leather mini-skirt clad Hilary Duff.  Who is apparently 20 weeks or so pregnant with her first child.   She was going on and on about how fabulous she felt and how she hadn't been sick at all, hadn't gained ANY weight, yadayadayada!  I promise you this, if my husband didn't love our T.V. almost as much as he loves me, I might have thrown the remote right through it!!  Obviously, this is mostly pregnancy hormones, but seriously?!  Either she is lying, or I have done something to piss of the pregnancy gods!!  Don't get me wrong, I do love being pregnant and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world, but it got me to thinking.  So I started to make a list.  All the changes I have experienced while being pregnant.  Here's what I HAD heard about being pregnant before actually experiencing it.  You hear about the "morning" sickness, which must have been named by someone who never actually experienced puking morning, noon and night.  Oh yeah, don't forget the supposed "cravings" or stretch marks.  These were things I had previously associated with pregnancy.  Now that I am halfway done with my third pregnancy, and once I started to jot down pregnancy symptoms and side effects, I couldn't write fast enough!!

  First, there was exhaustion.  Tired doesn't even being to describe this feeling.  Third time around, I sort of felt like I was in a drug induced fog for a little while.  Perhaps it was trying to keep up with two kids, who knows.  Then the sometimes predictable, sometimes fickle, nausea.  This goes hand in hand with the intense smell aversion.  ANYTHING that smelled strongly, and not necessarily bad, was disgusting.  Things that were previously pleasant smelling, now, not so much.  Food aversions, too.  Something I used to love, now sounded disgusting.  Weird dreams, anxiety, swollen hands, feet, legs.  Clothes that don't fit, and not just in the tummy.  Not everyone is blessed with a cute little beach ball belly!  Some of us get big butts, double chins, swollen boobs, etc.  Sore nipples doesn't even being to describe the changes in that area!  Stretch marks?  Not just on your tummy sometimes!  Full lucsious hair?  Maybe, but also, extra hair growth everywhere!  Don't even get me started on the "glowing skin" assumption! Does "glowing" mean acne like a teenager for the first 14 weeks or so, and now roseacea-like irritated skin that's dry and itchy later on?  Oh, the itchy skin!!  Weepy, hormonal and emotional. Vision changes.  Let's not forget what is dubbed as "pregnancy brain".  A once educated-sounding female now sounds a bit like the guy you knew in college who smoked too much pot: unable to recall any information or thoughts that were just in her head!!  And lets not even get started with the pain.  "Round ligament pain" that happens when it stretches as the uterus grows.  Achy feet.  Achy back.  Leg cramps.  Braxton Hicks.  Pelvic pain.  In the last few weeks of my first pregnancy, it started to feel like my pelvic bone was breaking into two pieces.  When I described this pain to my doctor, she just said, "well, that's sort of what's happening!"  Your pubic symphysis, which connects the two halves of your pelvis, is literally stretching wide open, getting ready for labor.  And then the ultimate pain.  Labor!  It is called this for a reason people! 
  After re-reading what I have written, I must sound like a horrible, miserable, ungrateful person.  I know plenty of ladies who either had it easier, worse, or would just feel incredibly blessed to experience the joy of pregnancy.  This is not meant to sound selfish or thankless.  I feel so blessed by God to get to experience the miracle of carrying a child.  All the negatives are momentously worth it.  It sort of makes you feel like super-woman!  Growing a living thing inside you is so cool sometimes, even if it is HARD WORK!  Pregnancy is an awesome experience, despite the good, the bad and the ugly!

Warning:  if you are one of the lucky ones like Hilary Duff, please refrain from commenting on how fabulous and perfect you felt the whole nine months.  Thank you.

The game changer.

There aren't too many single words that can change your whole world quite like "pregnant".  Don't get me wrong, we were definitely "trying" to get pregnant.  In fact, we had been for some time.  I have been diagnosed with something called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, or PCOS for short.  I got diagnosed when we were having trouble getting pregnant with our first.  For me, a medicine to help correct my insulin resistance also helped to correct my hormone imbalance and we got pregnant quickly.  The second time around, it was even quicker!  So, I hoped the third time around would be just as easy.  Wrong.  I know lots of ladies struggle with infertility and 8 months doesn't seem like a long time, but it sure felt like it. 

If you have ever seen this screen in your own home, or a more traditional "2 pink lines" test, your brain has ridden the proverbial emotional roller coaster.  Even now, more than a week later, I am still in shock and continue to have all manner of emotions ranging from thrilled and excited, to terrified and worried.  "What are we doing?! We're gonna be outnumbered!"  mixed with "We're completing our family! and "We're so blessed!!"  Also, because we have two daughters, there have already been loads of comments like, "don't you want a boy now?" or "Are you hoping for a boy?".  As much as I would like a son, sometimes I resent the comments, even though I never let on.  Am I supposed to feel like somethings missing because I only have girls?  Well, I won't be upset either way this time.  Maybe God just realizes how good we are at raising intelligent, beautiful sweetheart young ladies!  I guess only time will tell!